Porcelain doll

I didn’t think that the day I addressed my mental illness would come until much later but here we are now. With the recent death of Kim Jonghyun from SHINee – someone I deeply admired – I felt like I have to address this to feel better. At least that was my therapist’s advise.

I am part of the 5% of the world’s population who suffer from depression (pardon me if my grammar is off in this statement, English isn’t my first language).

Depression is honestly the worst feeling in the world. Due to various circumstances growing up, I fell victim to the demon that depression can be. I can feel its presence around me now, hovering over me, waiting for me to have another breakdown.

I feel like a porcelain doll to be honest. I act as if I am fine yet there are cracks on my pale iron-deficient face.

I feel as if I am going to break if something happens to me.

I hold in my emotions a lot and honestly I try to act happy for people. I try to be optimistic for them because I want to give them all the love and nurture that I never got. Yet, I am empty on the inside. I am devoid of emotions on the inside.

The only thing I feel is sadness. And loneliness.

Sometimes, I feel so much sadness that I want to not exist any more. I want to stop feeling by not existing any more.

The past week was just that. Feeling sad periodically and feeling angry at myself for existing. And also wanting to not exist.

I only got a little better recently after talking to my therapist. And then broke down when I got the news of Jonghyun’s death. I was reminded that depression was going to stick with me wherever I would go. I was reminded that this demon was living inside me and making my life a living hell even when I tried to befriend it to make the pain feel less…painful. It was in that moment that I got the feelings of not wanting to exist yet again. The angry voices inside telling me that I should end it all came back again.

I hope to whatever higher power up there that my feelings of sadness go away again and this time for good. I hope they never come back.

I will end this post with a link to the song I am listening to at the moment and the song which I relate to so much. Ironically the title of the song and the picture I added to this post use the same words.

Rest in peace to Jonghyun. Thank you for all your work. Thank you for your undying support of the LGBTQ+ community. Thank you for speaking out about your mental illness. Love you. Hope you are happy wherever you are.

If you are someone who experiences the same emotions as me, please get help. Talk to someone who you deeply trust. Talk to your therapist. If you immediately need help because of your suicidal thoughts, please check this link for suicide hotlines in your country. Suicide is never the answer. 

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Cosmos

In the 200 billion stars of the Milky Way, there was a solar system with eight – sometimes nine – planets revolving a star simply known as the Sun. In one of the eight or nine planets, there was one that teemed with life. It was known as the Earth. Of the 7.6 billion people living on Earth, we are just two specks with different lives.
You are someone revered and known worldwide. People love or hate you with burning passion.
I am someone who is trying to find her way in the world and dreaming of achieving what you have now. And maybe I am someone who wants to feel what you’re feeling and be with you. Maybe I want to hold your hand as you go through the tumultuous life of yours involving rewards from your hard work.
Maybe I want to comfort you when you are going through the hardships of life. And maybe I want to see right through the mask you put on for the world.
Isn’t it beautiful how of the infinite timelines I could have been reborn into from the cycle of birth I was born in the same timeline as you? Isn’t it beautiful how despite being five years apart we were born – according to an ancient pseudoscience which says that the stars and planets determine our looks, personality and fate – under the same ecliptic that the Sun was in? Isn’t it wonderful how fate put us on the same continent? Isn’t it wonderful how we’re only 3,827 km away from each other?
On nights like this, I like to lie in bed and think about this. I like to consider myself lucky despite the fact that I can feel the distance between us grow. The distance I feel isn’t just physical but also mental. I can feel you slowly grow farther and farther away from me.
Despite this, I have this hope. This feverish hope grows inside me telling me that I can be yours. That I can be the person who has beautiful melodies dedicated to her. That you can keep being my muse except this time you know it’s me who writes these things for you.
I attribute this to Pisces – that ecliptic path we both share.
I try and try for this hope to disappear. I put this hope away from the light where it grows and fills my mind. Yet it is like an indoor plant. Even if you keep it away from the sunlight, it keeps growing. It fills my mind with beautiful flowers of dreams that I have about you. And these dreams are what I hope will become fruits. Yet another part of me knows they are pointless and tries to kill the indoor plant that is the hope.
I try to assure myself with the hope that – despite us not being together physically – we wake up under the same sky. We see the same moon and the same sun shines on us and lights up our features. I tell myself that we see the same stars that are sprawled across the sky. We breathe the same oxygen.
I tell myself it is enough.
Yet some part of me wants more. Some part of me craves more. I know it will lead to heartbreak so I keep quiet and shove that part of me that wants more aside. And I try to live in the moment and live in the now.
I try to be happy that you at least exist in the same timeline as me.

First blog post

I opened this blog to post my musings and my writings.

I figured, Might as well have a writing blog if I consider myself as a writer. 

So this is one of my many attempts to keep a writing blog and to keep it running. I hope I keep this blog for the years to come. And I hope this blog sees the growth of me as a writer.

As of 28th November 2017 at 10:57 PM,

I – Symphony Chakma – declare this blog open.