Porcelain doll

I didn’t think that the day I addressed my mental illness would come until much later but here we are now. With the recent death of Kim Jonghyun from SHINee – someone I deeply admired – I felt like I have to address this to feel better. At least that was my therapist’s advise.

I am part of the 5% of the world’s population who suffer from depression (pardon me if my grammar is off in this statement, English isn’t my first language).

Depression is honestly the worst feeling in the world. Due to various circumstances growing up, I fell victim to the demon that depression can be. I can feel its presence around me now, hovering over me, waiting for me to have another breakdown.

I feel like a porcelain doll to be honest. I act as if I am fine yet there are cracks on my pale iron-deficient face.

I feel as if I am going to break if something happens to me.

I hold in my emotions a lot and honestly I try to act happy for people. I try to be optimistic for them because I want to give them all the love and nurture that I never got. Yet, I am empty on the inside. I am devoid of emotions on the inside.

The only thing I feel is sadness. And loneliness.

Sometimes, I feel so much sadness that I want to not exist any more. I want to stop feeling by not existing any more.

The past week was just that. Feeling sad periodically and feeling angry at myself for existing. And also wanting to not exist.

I only got a little better recently after talking to my therapist. And then broke down when I got the news of Jonghyun’s death. I was reminded that depression was going to stick with me wherever I would go. I was reminded that this demon was living inside me and making my life a living hell even when I tried to befriend it to make the pain feel less…painful. It was in that moment that I got the feelings of not wanting to exist yet again. The angry voices inside telling me that I should end it all came back again.

I hope to whatever higher power up there that my feelings of sadness go away again and this time for good. I hope they never come back.

I will end this post with a link to the song I am listening to at the moment and the song which I relate to so much. Ironically the title of the song and the picture I added to this post use the same words.

Rest in peace to Jonghyun. Thank you for all your work. Thank you for your undying support of the LGBTQ+ community. Thank you for speaking out about your mental illness. Love you. Hope you are happy wherever you are.

If you are someone who experiences the same emotions as me, please get help. Talk to someone who you deeply trust. Talk to your therapist. If you immediately need help because of your suicidal thoughts, please check this link for suicide hotlines in your country. Suicide is never the answer. 

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